guiltless love.

I am lonely, and I feel guilty for being so.

People are suffering all over the world--without food, without a home, without family, without any love.

And I'm lonely. I want to scream, and cry, and mope, and act as if I'm the only person in the world who has had their heart broken. I know I'm not, though, and the evidence surrounds me.

I know I deserve more than this, and I know I deserve nothing at all.
What a predicament I find myself in.

I have so much love to give--and you missed out on it.

I need to get over this, but I don't want to be over it.
I need to move on, but I don't want to forget.
I need to love, but I'm afraid now.

I am so angry--and so alone.

And there are a millions of voices echoing the same, solemn cry.
So I will love them--so I can let go of you.

And one day, I will experience what it is like to love and be loved.
Until then, I will only love.

patches..

Like the nicotine patches for people trying to lay off cigarettes,
There should be some sort of patch for quitting love cold turkey.


I would invest in that.

the snow has melted...

snowflake kisses.

I come back to this site nearly everyday, hoping to find some way to articulate the past month of my life.

It's nearly impossible.

How can I fully capture the essence of the life I'm living right now?

I'm not living the life I expected, but I'm loving the life I'm living.

I'm not doing anything amazing. I'm just being.

I'm learning to love--how to really love.

None of this is what I expected, not even what I hoped for.

But I wouldn't change it for the world.

Some days, I'm angry.

Angry that decisions aren't easy.

Angry that things aren't falling into place the way I hoped they would.

Angry that my future is being transformed by the moment, and I have no clue what I'm in for.

But I'm learning about what I want, what I need...and how to fight for those things.

This, in itself, is a valuable lesson for me.

I live a jaded and naive life. And everyday, I realize how I've misunderstood God's plan for me and how He's revealed himself to me in the path I've walked.

I have no idea what He wills for me except to pursue life and Him..and love.

-----------

the kiss of a snowflake

covers miles of emptiness

it's as if you're right here

as if you always were