and so what if...

What if I don't go with the Peace Corps?

What if I sat down for five minutes and was really honest with myself?

What do I want?
Where do I want to go?
Who do I want to go there with?
What do I want to do?
How do I want to do it?
Why do I want to do it?

I want to make an impact.
I want to go to South America.
I want to go no matter who goes with me...or if no one goes with me.
I want to become fluent in Spanish. I want to travel. I want to be a part of a community. I want to feel a part of a place where I don't necessarily belong. I want to do something I'm not necessarily comfortable with, knowing that I'll love it in the end. I want to live an adventure.
I want to do it because it's in me to do it. I want to do it because I want to be around a different set of people. I want to learn. I want to share. I want to experience a different life.

Is Peace Corps the best way of doing that?
Is there another way?

Not necessarily.
Absolutely.

How long to I want to go for?

As long as I need to...as long as I want to...and I want to come home when I'm ready.

Peace Corps doesn't offer me that.

And so what if....

a heart torn...

I'm tired.

In the past few years, I've been on a journey to find truth, and the journey is far from over, but I'm tired.

I feel like I'm drifting farther and farther away from the beliefs of the Church, but closer and closer to the Jesus that I believe the Church worships.

How does that work? How is it that in the moments I feel so close to who Jesus is and what He stood for, I feel so far away from the teachings of the church?

The Bible speaks of specific abominable sins that are worthy of disgust and hate, and we are so quick to cling to those and make a spectacle of them because they are easily set aside from what we see as "normal." Are these things universally sinful? or were they considered sinful to one person or a group of people at one point in history? Can they be passed down through generation after generation without any reshaping or reconsideration? Are they set in stone for a reason?

Today in church, my pastor spoke on divorce. In the same breath, he said that divorce is a sin, that it's not the unforgivable sin, but that if you are divorced unbiblically, that you should live your life as a single person wholly devoted to God.

Who can argue with that? Who can say, "Hey Pastor, being wholly devoted to God is just not something I feel satisfied with." No one can say that. We are supposed to live our lives wholly devoted to God regardless of our situation. Yes, of course, but there's more to it.

My pastor also said that marriage is (and I believe this is truth) the tangible illustration of God's love for us. Marriage is a beautiful thing.

But we make mistakes. People make mistakes. 24 years ago, my parents made a mistake. Their mistake began with their marriage to each other---not their divorce from each other five years ago.

But God forgives. God forgives our mistakes. 24 years ago, he forgave my parents and worked through their mistake. But happiness, fulfillment, a true understanding of God's love through their union was never a part of their 20 years together.

My parents never were able to understand how marriage was the physical embodiment of God's love for us. Does that mean they never will?

My pastor continued by saying that if a marriage ended in a Biblical divorce (only by sexual immorality) that those people could walk in freedom and remarry.

This makes no sense to me. There are far more damaging things than adultery. Abuse (both verbal and physical), for one, is something that has the same lasting impact that adultery has. Adultery is terrible, but who decided 2000 years ago that adultery is the only reason? Call me a blaspheme, but this sounds a whole lot like a human concoction than a God concoction.

The person who married someone who would cheat on them made the same mistake as the person who married someone who would never love them. Why does one get set free and the other bonded in chains?

I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that Christians pick out sins, capitalize on those sins, and judge people according to this list of sins that the Bible has so neatly prepared for us.

If there's one thing I've learned in my 21 years, it's that life is not neat.

Our lives are not something we can fit in a formula.

Sin is not something we can fit in a formula.

We need context....and an understanding of the human experience.

God's will for our lives is for us to glorify Him and be happy...will he really care if someone finds happiness in a second marriage with a person who they probably should have been with since the beginning? Won't that reveal his glory more when he delivers his children from the captivity of a godless marriage to one that is reverent of his name?

It's easy for people to stand up and speak on subjects that they have no personal experience with. For me, for this, it's more complicated. I've seen God work in spite of my sin and the sins of my family. I know the pain of divorce, but I also know the freedom felt by two people who were never loved in the ways God had planned. For me, divorce will never be an option, but I've been blessed with a life of understanding God's will for my life. Some people don't get that chance, and some figure it out after the sin has already been committed.

I know divorce is wrong and painful, but more than that, I know that God changes lives. A person should not live a life of regret and punishment separate from knowing God's love more completely because of one mistake they made when they were a completely different person as they are now.

It just doesn't make any sense.