secret heart

I love to hug. I love to share love with the people around me.

It's pretty much my natural instinct to reach out to someone and touch them as I tell them something funny or interesting or intense.

It's my natural instinct to tell those who mean the world to me that they mean the world to me.

It's what I do and how I function. It's natural.

But when it comes to "romantic" relationships, I hesitate.

It's like this formula exists that shouldn't...that's not natural.

There are "rules" and a thing called "timing" that has to be executed perfectly or you'll end up with a BIG FAT F in love.

And that sucks, because everyone, at whatever point in time they feel led, should be able to say,

Hey, I like you. You're important to me.

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Secret heart
What are you made of
What are you so afraid of
Could it be
Three simple words
Or the fear of being overheard
What's wrong

Let em' in on your secret heart

Secret Heart
Why so mysterious
Why so sacred
Why so serious
Maybe you're
Just acting tough
Maybe you're just not man enough
What's wrong

Let em' in on your secret heart

This very secret
That you're trying to conceal
Is the very same one
That you're dying to reveal
Go tell her how you feel

Secret heart come out and share it
This loneliness, few can bear it
Could it have something to do with
Admitting that you just can't go through it alone?
Let em' in on your secret heart

This very secret
That you're trying to conceal
Is the very same one
That you're dying to reveal
Go tell her how you feel
This very secret heart
Go out and share it
This very secret heart

finding community...

These last few days have been quite the adventure, and the reoccurring theme over all of it has been community.

What is community? Do we choose who is in our community? or are we called into a community and must work to make the community effective?

I find I've been running away from certain communities because I'm afraid of being hurt. I have walls built up all around my heart that are protecting me from getting too involved with people, from letting myself be vulnerable in all kinds of relationships. And that's not okay, and as a friend told me the other night, I have to take care of those walls now or deal with them for the rest of my life.

Then Peace Day happened, and it was incredible. The Peace Vigil was a success. The Canvas and Peace Fair was awesome, and I realized that for the first time in 3.5 years, I love love love the community of Southwestern. I didn't believe that SU students really cared about positive thinking and unity, but they do. I can leave SU knowing that Peace Day allowed that to shine at Southwestern.

And then on Sunday morning, I got a call from my mom at 7:30, telling me that my 95-year-old great-grandmother was in surgery and that I should probably head home just in case she didn't make it through. Three hours later, I walked into the ICU waiting room, or more appropriately, I walked into my home. Surrounded by my family, I knew I was home. Looking back over Sunday and Monday, I realize that most of the tears that I cried over Granny's bedside were tears of fear, knowing that this could be my last moment with her, knowing that if this isn't it, it could happen in the two years that I'm gone. Then what? I'm leaving the community that I hold most dear--my family--for two whole years. Why do I think this is a good idea?

I have all the support in the world, but that doesn't make this any easier. A friend of mine is leaving for the Ukraine in two days, and I just cried and cried through her pictures of her goodbye dinner, knowing that in a little over 8 months, I'll be in her same position. Let the freak out begin. 8 months.

Love is a powerful thing, though. It conquers all--even distance, and I hope I come to believe that with all that I have in me in the next few months.

Peace

September 21, 2007 is the UN's International Peace Day. For 24 hours every year, the countries represented in the UN have agreed to a cease fire and day of non-violence.

Southwestern is full of people with passionate hearts and strong opinions. However, our education here is such that it causes people to feel like things always have to be debated, discussed, or rationalized until its dead, and this has caused a divisive nature to exist on our campus. Before I graduate, I want to know that I did something to change that--even if it's just for one day. Peace Day is that day for me.

For one day, even if only a few people participate, Southwestern has the opportunity to unite under one idea, an idea with multiple meanings and purposes--peace.

I hope it goes okay. I hope people take advantage of this time. I hope it impacts someone.

Regardless, I think I've found the pursuit of my lifetime--peace. For the rest of my life, I want to pursue peace. I want to make choices that impact others and myself in a positive way. I want to defend the rights of everyone to live a life void of pain inflicted by others. No one ever deserves to be judged or harmed, especially because of factors outside of their control.

I want to make sure that those around me know that. I want to embody the peace I want to see in the world. That's my commitment this Peace Day.

Moving on...

I think God's timing is absolutely beautiful.

The importance and power of prayer has nuzzled its way to the front of my mind in the past few weeks, and through the time I've spent praying for the path I'm walking and the paths of others, I have become more confident and aware of how God is moving in my life.

For the past three years, I have struggled with finding a home at Southwestern. I have always had friends, great friends, but regardless of the truth of that reality, I felt a lack of community.

But now, in these few weeks, I feel confident and comfortable in the friendships I have. I feel okay with investing time into the relationships I choose, and I feel okay with taking a few steps back from others. I have community, and I like the community I have.

At the end of last semester, I was really anxious about how I would separate myself from my Ultimate team and Residence Life, but God has found a way to make it easier for me. He's provided this delicate way of allowing me opportunities to step back and let others take the lead, and He's opening up doors in other places that allow me to continue doing what I love.

I have a huge world in front of me and all the options I could ever dream of.
Overwhelming, sure, but I know God's timing is perfect, and I'll know what to do and when to do it exactly when it's time.

"..and He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion." - Philippians 1:6