the psalm of lydia

the dream job list

2008-04-27T21:09:00.002-05:00

helping people in some way
takes place outside (not all the time)
active
promotes positive living
incorporates the spanish language
involves working with school-aged girls

dallas forever?

2008-04-27T20:52:00.002-05:00

Somedays, I catch myself and ask,

"Is this forever?" Am I in the place that will be my home for the rest of time?

On one hand, I could use the stability. On the other, I could use a little more mystery and adventure.

But I hope that this isn't as good as it gets.

But I hope I don't take advantage of this time...because it's pretty good.

non-negotiables.

2008-03-16T19:56:00.003-05:00

I've never been the type to really focus on relationships that don't exist, but now, I find it necessary to really examine what I want in a relationship, what I expect from a relationship, and who I hope to be in a relationship.

At this point in my life, I'm not the woman I need to be in order to be a part of a God-honoring relationship. I'm in a place where my hurt will only bring me down, and in order for me to rise out of the muck, I need to have goals.

So here are my non-negotiables for ANY future relationships IN WRITING so that I can be held accountable and hold myself accountable to these:

For my partner:

loves and seeks after Christ
committed to doing so in an authentic way
strong enough to make decisions that include me
considers me in their actions
excited to be with me
affirms their feelings both emotionally and physically
open, honest, and forthcoming with emotions and thoughts
wants to be a part of my life
wants me to be a part of his
involved in healthy community
committed to doing what is right no matter the consequences
confronts issues as they arise

For me:

seeks the Lord daily in decisions and for guidance
passionate about pursuing Christ's love and living it out
supportive first
loving always
challenges to help him reach his potential--not just for the sake of challenging him
affectionate
dependable
selfless --takes him into consideration in all decisions
confident and trusting
involved in healthy community
seeking guidance from trusted examples

living miracles...

2008-03-02T17:14:00.002-06:00

I am living a miracle.

When you call upon God for healing, He WILL answer.
He has answered.

I cannot and will not lie about the healing process that I've undergone.
I will not allow silence to burden me.

For the first time, I am being open and honest about how I really feel.

Hiding from my emotions in order to appear stronger won't work.
Acting as if something incredibly life-changing never occurred will only prolong the pain.

I am far too happy to let something rob me of my joy.
I have far too much to fight for, enjoy, and love in my future.

one moment...

2008-02-23T23:21:00.005-06:00

For just a moment, I wish things would slow down.

When someone asks me, "What's new?" I want to be able to say, "Nothing really."

Not for eternity--just a moment.

My heart can only take so much, and my mind can only convince myself that I'm strong enough for so long.

My God, who is mighty to save.
My God, who is my strength.
My God, who is my comfort.
My God, who is my hope.
My God, who brings me peace.
My God, who has proven himself faithful.
My God, who has redeemed me from the depths.
My God, who has healed me time and time again.
My God, who has blessed me.
My God, who has pursued me.
My God, who conquers evil.
My God, who loves.
My God, who delivers.
My God, who grants freedom.
My God, who created me.

My God, set me free.

He is faithful...

2008-02-17T21:18:00.002-06:00

God is proving Himself faithful to me.

I moved to Dallas. I found an affordable apartment in a great area filled with activity and people.

I found a great church dedicated to loving others with the love of Christ.
I found great people within that church that play Ultimate regularly (thank you, Jesus!).
I found a great community group of women that seem incredible.

I have a fantastic job with fantastic co-workers that serve people in a fantastic way.

God is so good to me...especially in a season of my life that has been plagued with disappointment, change, and pain.

In only a week, He has proven Himself faithful to His daughter, and I am so grateful.

out with the old...

2008-02-08T09:50:00.000-06:00

Okay, kiddos. No more sad, sappy posts.

That season is over--a new season is beginning.

Positivity is replacing heartache, and it's time to move on.

Come on, Dallas. Show me what you're made of.

hope..

2008-02-07T15:46:00.001-06:00

I'm moving to Dallas.

Life is crazy. It moves at rocket speed and is always changing.
I've never experienced something so real and raw as the past few months.

For the past 6 years, God has not allowed me to become comfortable anywhere before he has uprooted me.

I know this is a growing experience, and I know in 5 years, I'll look back on this and say, "WOW!" in reference to God's faithfulness in my life. Right now, though, I'm so confused.

I feel like I've been drafted for war. I'm leaving home. I'm leaving a place I am in LOVE with; I'm leaving people I love. But when I really think about it, this isn't home. This is fun. This is safe, but it's not home.

And Dallas--Dallas. Dallas is foreign to me. And the only thing recognizable is heartache. I'm standing on the edge of a dangerous fire, and it is up to me to make decisions that are healthy, smart, and God-centered.

But I'm weak--and He is strong. In two days, I need to be fully dependent on my Savior to rescue me and deliver me into what will be my home.

----------------------

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand.

...all other ground is sinking sand.

love wins...

2008-02-03T00:41:00.001-06:00

I'm only a little sad.
I'm trying not to be angry.

But hopeful, strong, positive, and healthy seem to be more fitting today.

There is hope in love.
And I am living in anticipation of what is to come.

In one week, I will set off on a new adventure.

Life has just begun...and love will win this race.

guiltless love.

2008-01-28T23:11:00.001-06:00

I am lonely, and I feel guilty for being so.

People are suffering all over the world--without food, without a home, without family, without any love.

And I'm lonely. I want to scream, and cry, and mope, and act as if I'm the only person in the world who has had their heart broken. I know I'm not, though, and the evidence surrounds me.

I know I deserve more than this, and I know I deserve nothing at all.
What a predicament I find myself in.

I have so much love to give--and you missed out on it.

I need to get over this, but I don't want to be over it.
I need to move on, but I don't want to forget.
I need to love, but I'm afraid now.

I am so angry--and so alone.

And there are a millions of voices echoing the same, solemn cry.
So I will love them--so I can let go of you.

And one day, I will experience what it is like to love and be loved.
Until then, I will only love.

patches..

2008-01-22T22:59:00.000-06:00

Like the nicotine patches for people trying to lay off cigarettes,
There should be some sort of patch for quitting love cold turkey.

I would invest in that.

the snow has melted...

2008-01-19T18:44:00.000-06:00

snowflake kisses.

2008-01-16T23:20:00.001-06:00

I come back to this site nearly everyday, hoping to find some way to articulate the past month of my life.

It's nearly impossible.

How can I fully capture the essence of the life I'm living right now?

I'm not living the life I expected, but I'm loving the life I'm living.

I'm not doing anything amazing. I'm just being.

I'm learning to love--how to really love.

None of this is what I expected, not even what I hoped for.

But I wouldn't change it for the world.

Some days, I'm angry.

Angry that decisions aren't easy.

Angry that things aren't falling into place the way I hoped they would.

Angry that my future is being transformed by the moment, and I have no clue what I'm in for.

But I'm learning about what I want, what I need...and how to fight for those things.

This, in itself, is a valuable lesson for me.

I live a jaded and naive life. And everyday, I realize how I've misunderstood God's plan for me and how He's revealed himself to me in the path I've walked.

I have no idea what He wills for me except to pursue life and Him..and love.

-----------

the kiss of a snowflake

covers miles of emptiness

it's as if you're right here

as if you always were

The Crossroads...

2007-12-04T22:01:00.000-06:00

So here it is. Graduation.

I'm less than two weeks away from the end of my educational career as I know it.

I've never lived without school as a part of my life, and I'll be honest, I'm quite nervous.

My life has done a complete 180* turn in the past few months, and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I am happier than I've ever been, and more scared than I've ever been, and the combination of the two is overwhelming to say the least.

So who am I now in comparison to who I was and who I've been?

I went into Southwestern naive, Conservative, strong in my faith in Jesus Christ, passionate about fulfilling the Great Commission to the unreached people groups of the world. I believed in Scripture and George Bush, and the liberal way of thinking at SU scared me. Everyday I was challenged in what I thought and why I thought it. I surrounded myself with Christian influences and kept in constant touch with my friends from high school. My goal at SU was to find my identity in Christ and my purpose in life. I was convinced that I wanted to be a Political Science major, so that I could intern at the Capitol. I thought that love was easy, and ran away from anything that caused me pain.

Now, I'm a believer in equality, passionate about social justice, and convinced that these ideologies are embedded in the words of Jesus Christ. I believe in love, and I am afraid that the majority of Christians don't even know how to love each other. I have since floated away from many of the Christian influences that I once surrounded myself with only to find a solid community of intellectual journeymen that includes Christians and non-Christians alike. I am a Sociology major and Spanish minor with my eyes and heart focused on Latin America. Now, I'm learning that love can be difficult, but I know not to run away, and that it's worth it to stay.

I've grown and transformed, but I am still pursuing life, love, and adventure because it's who I am, who I've always been, and who I'm meant to be.

Now...how to make money?

and so what if...

2007-11-15T22:54:00.000-06:00

What if I don't go with the Peace Corps?

What if I sat down for five minutes and was really honest with myself?

What do I want?
Where do I want to go?
Who do I want to go there with?
What do I want to do?
How do I want to do it?
Why do I want to do it?

I want to make an impact.
I want to go to South America.
I want to go no matter who goes with me...or if no one goes with me.
I want to become fluent in Spanish. I want to travel. I want to be a part of a community. I want to feel a part of a place where I don't necessarily belong. I want to do something I'm not necessarily comfortable with, knowing that I'll love it in the end. I want to live an adventure.
I want to do it because it's in me to do it. I want to do it because I want to be around a different set of people. I want to learn. I want to share. I want to experience a different life.

Is Peace Corps the best way of doing that?
Is there another way?

Not necessarily.
Absolutely.

How long to I want to go for?

As long as I need to...as long as I want to...and I want to come home when I'm ready.

Peace Corps doesn't offer me that.

And so what if....

a heart torn...

2007-11-04T19:51:00.000-06:00

I'm tired.

In the past few years, I've been on a journey to find truth, and the journey is far from over, but I'm tired.

I feel like I'm drifting farther and farther away from the beliefs of the Church, but closer and closer to the Jesus that I believe the Church worships.

How does that work? How is it that in the moments I feel so close to who Jesus is and what He stood for, I feel so far away from the teachings of the church?

The Bible speaks of specific abominable sins that are worthy of disgust and hate, and we are so quick to cling to those and make a spectacle of them because they are easily set aside from what we see as "normal." Are these things universally sinful? or were they considered sinful to one person or a group of people at one point in history? Can they be passed down through generation after generation without any reshaping or reconsideration? Are they set in stone for a reason?

Today in church, my pastor spoke on divorce. In the same breath, he said that divorce is a sin, that it's not the unforgivable sin, but that if you are divorced unbiblically, that you should live your life as a single person wholly devoted to God.

Who can argue with that? Who can say, "Hey Pastor, being wholly devoted to God is just not something I feel satisfied with." No one can say that. We are supposed to live our lives wholly devoted to God regardless of our situation. Yes, of course, but there's more to it.

My pastor also said that marriage is (and I believe this is truth) the tangible illustration of God's love for us. Marriage is a beautiful thing.

But we make mistakes. People make mistakes. 24 years ago, my parents made a mistake. Their mistake began with their marriage to each other---not their divorce from each other five years ago.

But God forgives. God forgives our mistakes. 24 years ago, he forgave my parents and worked through their mistake. But happiness, fulfillment, a true understanding of God's love through their union was never a part of their 20 years together.

My parents never were able to understand how marriage was the physical embodiment of God's love for us. Does that mean they never will?

My pastor continued by saying that if a marriage ended in a Biblical divorce (only by sexual immorality) that those people could walk in freedom and remarry.

This makes no sense to me. There are far more damaging things than adultery. Abuse (both verbal and physical), for one, is something that has the same lasting impact that adultery has. Adultery is terrible, but who decided 2000 years ago that adultery is the only reason? Call me a blaspheme, but this sounds a whole lot like a human concoction than a God concoction.

The person who married someone who would cheat on them made the same mistake as the person who married someone who would never love them. Why does one get set free and the other bonded in chains?

I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that Christians pick out sins, capitalize on those sins, and judge people according to this list of sins that the Bible has so neatly prepared for us.

If there's one thing I've learned in my 21 years, it's that life is not neat.

Our lives are not something we can fit in a formula.

Sin is not something we can fit in a formula.

We need context....and an understanding of the human experience.

God's will for our lives is for us to glorify Him and be happy...will he really care if someone finds happiness in a second marriage with a person who they probably should have been with since the beginning? Won't that reveal his glory more when he delivers his children from the captivity of a godless marriage to one that is reverent of his name?

It's easy for people to stand up and speak on subjects that they have no personal experience with. For me, for this, it's more complicated. I've seen God work in spite of my sin and the sins of my family. I know the pain of divorce, but I also know the freedom felt by two people who were never loved in the ways God had planned. For me, divorce will never be an option, but I've been blessed with a life of understanding God's will for my life. Some people don't get that chance, and some figure it out after the sin has already been committed.

I know divorce is wrong and painful, but more than that, I know that God changes lives. A person should not live a life of regret and punishment separate from knowing God's love more completely because of one mistake they made when they were a completely different person as they are now.

It just doesn't make any sense.

a bump in the road...

2007-10-25T23:54:00.000-05:00

Last week, Peace Corps informed me that I wouldn't be able to be medically cleared until almost April 2008. This puts a significantly large kink in my plans. I was supposed to leave in June 08, but now, it may be as late as September...possibly even later.

This shouldn't be a big deal, but it changes things. Because of a later departure, the region I will go to might change from Latin American to somewhere else.

This is no bueno.

Initially, I wanted to join Peace Corps to kill two birds with one stone: serve and speak fluent Spanish.

I changed my mind about 6 months ago and decided that my priority was to serve, so I'd join Peace Corps and go wherever they sent me. I was confident in God's plan that He'd send me where I was supposed to go.

Now, I'm getting some mixed signals from the Big Man. My goals really are to serve and speak Spanish, and that's what I need to pursue. I asked God to place a huge obstacle in front of me if Peace Corps isn't what I should be doing.

So far, this is the 2nd "minor" obstacle. Not huge, but still there.

There are people I care about in this country, and there are significant and important relationships that would unavoidably be impacted if I left for two years. And now, I may not even get to go to a Spanish-speaking country.

I'm still convinced that God has a plan, but now, it's a waiting game. This whole process is a waiting game. I've decided (here's hoping a PC rep doesn't read this) that I won't accept a position anywhere other than a Spanish-speaking program. From there, who knows what I'll do, but I know that if I spend two years of my life doing anything, I'd want it to be in line with what I could do after those two years--and that means Spanish fluency.

I have a few things I love right now, and those are the things I want to pursue and protect.

honest to goodness...

2007-10-21T18:59:00.000-05:00

I've decided it is the most liberating thing to be a part of a relationship where you can be entirely honest, where there is no fear in saying what you mean when you mean it.

This is a rare thing, and it is even more beautiful when it comes natural in a relationship.

The ability for two people (although I'm convinced that it is completely due to the blessing and work of the Lord) to be so comfortable with each other and so confident in the bond tying them together is a remarkable thing.

Burdens are lifted. Histories are eliminated.

I'm a part of a few of these relationships this semester. Not only were they surprising to me, but they have really made these last few months some of the best months of my college experience.

I am so grateful.

falling into fall...

2007-10-15T01:05:00.001-05:00

I've always thought that October is the best month of the year.

So far, this October is blowing every other month out of the water.

And it looks like things can only go up from here.

relax

2007-10-11T00:45:00.000-05:00

This weekend, I went to Florida to play in the UPA Regionals Ultimate Tournament with a team from the Rio Grande Valley. On my way home, I met a girl my age who had been in the Army for 1. 5 years. She's married to a man who is also in the Army, and her brother is being deployed next month for Iraq.

In the next six months, she will be deployed to Iraq for 18 months. That is only 9 months less than my stint with the Peace Corps. Reality check. People leave the people they love for this amount of time a lot more than I think.

I'm not the only one.

I tend to make things into bigger deals than they actually are. My goal for this season is to relax--to enjoy what life brings me and not overthink it to death. I won't let my brain ruin the good things that are happening in my life right now, and there are some really good things happening in my life right now.

on bubbles...

2007-10-04T01:21:00.000-05:00

I love bubbles.

I'm tempted to begin this anecdote with "as a child..." but that would be misleading. I'm pretty sure that my love for bubbles developed closer to my late childhood, early teenage years, with a surge of growth in my twenties. I absolutely love bubbles.

In life, I've come to believe there are four types of people. There are people who blow the bubbles only to pop them immediately; there are people who blow the bubbles who then try and eat them; there are people who scavenge and try to save the bubble by catching it on the wand; and then there are people who blow the bubbles and allow the bubbles to last.

The people who pop them immediately are over-zealous, sometimes impatient. They get the job done quickly, but the results are sometimes inconsistent.

The people who eat the bubbles are ambitious, hungry. They go for what they want and eat up every moment like it's their last--with no regard for success or failure or potential tummy aches.

The people who catch the bubbles are the people who want to make every moment last for a lifetime. Sometimes they catch the right bubble, and the right moment lasts forever, but sometimes they miss the bigger, better bubble that was a few feet away.

Then there are people like me--the ones who watch the bubbles as they float through the air, graze an object, and burst according to its destiny. Some last for a long time, some don't. These are the people who either really appreciate life for what it is--or they over-think life until it dies according to its natural course.

Right now, I'm watching that bubble fall, and it looks like I have four options:

1) eat it up

2) pop it

3) catch it

4) or watch it fall, never really deciding what to do until it's too late

..what to do. what. to. do.

secret heart

2007-09-29T01:54:00.000-05:00

I love to hug. I love to share love with the people around me.

It's pretty much my natural instinct to reach out to someone and touch them as I tell them something funny or interesting or intense.

It's my natural instinct to tell those who mean the world to me that they mean the world to me.

It's what I do and how I function. It's natural.

But when it comes to "romantic" relationships, I hesitate.

It's like this formula exists that shouldn't...that's not natural.

There are "rules" and a thing called "timing" that has to be executed perfectly or you'll end up with a BIG FAT F in love.

And that sucks, because everyone, at whatever point in time they feel led, should be able to say,

Hey, I like you. You're important to me.

--------------------------------------------

Secret heart
What are you made of
What are you so afraid of
Could it be
Three simple words
Or the fear of being overheard
What's wrong

Let em' in on your secret heart

Secret Heart
Why so mysterious
Why so sacred
Why so serious
Maybe you're
Just acting tough
Maybe you're just not man enough
What's wrong

Let em' in on your secret heart

This very secret
That you're trying to conceal
Is the very same one
That you're dying to reveal
Go tell her how you feel

Secret heart come out and share it
This loneliness, few can bear it
Could it have something to do with
Admitting that you just can't go through it alone?
Let em' in on your secret heart

This very secret
That you're trying to conceal
Is the very same one
That you're dying to reveal
Go tell her how you feel
This very secret heart
Go out and share it
This very secret heart

finding community...

2007-09-25T10:42:00.000-05:00

These last few days have been quite the adventure, and the reoccurring theme over all of it has been community.

What is community? Do we choose who is in our community? or are we called into a community and must work to make the community effective?

I find I've been running away from certain communities because I'm afraid of being hurt. I have walls built up all around my heart that are protecting me from getting too involved with people, from letting myself be vulnerable in all kinds of relationships. And that's not okay, and as a friend told me the other night, I have to take care of those walls now or deal with them for the rest of my life.

Then Peace Day happened, and it was incredible. The Peace Vigil was a success. The Canvas and Peace Fair was awesome, and I realized that for the first time in 3.5 years, I love love love the community of Southwestern. I didn't believe that SU students really cared about positive thinking and unity, but they do. I can leave SU knowing that Peace Day allowed that to shine at Southwestern.

And then on Sunday morning, I got a call from my mom at 7:30, telling me that my 95-year-old great-grandmother was in surgery and that I should probably head home just in case she didn't make it through. Three hours later, I walked into the ICU waiting room, or more appropriately, I walked into my home. Surrounded by my family, I knew I was home. Looking back over Sunday and Monday, I realize that most of the tears that I cried over Granny's bedside were tears of fear, knowing that this could be my last moment with her, knowing that if this isn't it, it could happen in the two years that I'm gone. Then what? I'm leaving the community that I hold most dear--my family--for two whole years. Why do I think this is a good idea?

I have all the support in the world, but that doesn't make this any easier. A friend of mine is leaving for the Ukraine in two days, and I just cried and cried through her pictures of her goodbye dinner, knowing that in a little over 8 months, I'll be in her same position. Let the freak out begin. 8 months.

Love is a powerful thing, though. It conquers all--even distance, and I hope I come to believe that with all that I have in me in the next few months.

Peace

2007-09-18T22:32:00.000-05:00

September 21, 2007 is the UN's International Peace Day. For 24 hours every year, the countries represented in the UN have agreed to a cease fire and day of non-violence.

Southwestern is full of people with passionate hearts and strong opinions. However, our education here is such that it causes people to feel like things always have to be debated, discussed, or rationalized until its dead, and this has caused a divisive nature to exist on our campus. Before I graduate, I want to know that I did something to change that--even if it's just for one day. Peace Day is that day for me.

For one day, even if only a few people participate, Southwestern has the opportunity to unite under one idea, an idea with multiple meanings and purposes--peace.

I hope it goes okay. I hope people take advantage of this time. I hope it impacts someone.

Regardless, I think I've found the pursuit of my lifetime--peace. For the rest of my life, I want to pursue peace. I want to make choices that impact others and myself in a positive way. I want to defend the rights of everyone to live a life void of pain inflicted by others. No one ever deserves to be judged or harmed, especially because of factors outside of their control.

I want to make sure that those around me know that. I want to embody the peace I want to see in the world. That's my commitment this Peace Day.

Moving on...

2007-09-13T22:39:00.000-05:00

I think God's timing is absolutely beautiful.

The importance and power of prayer has nuzzled its way to the front of my mind in the past few weeks, and through the time I've spent praying for the path I'm walking and the paths of others, I have become more confident and aware of how God is moving in my life.

For the past three years, I have struggled with finding a home at Southwestern. I have always had friends, great friends, but regardless of the truth of that reality, I felt a lack of community.

But now, in these few weeks, I feel confident and comfortable in the friendships I have. I feel okay with investing time into the relationships I choose, and I feel okay with taking a few steps back from others. I have community, and I like the community I have.

At the end of last semester, I was really anxious about how I would separate myself from my Ultimate team and Residence Life, but God has found a way to make it easier for me. He's provided this delicate way of allowing me opportunities to step back and let others take the lead, and He's opening up doors in other places that allow me to continue doing what I love.

I have a huge world in front of me and all the options I could ever dream of.
Overwhelming, sure, but I know God's timing is perfect, and I'll know what to do and when to do it exactly when it's time.

"..and He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion." - Philippians 1:6

The Beginning

2007-07-09T16:10:00.000-05:00

At the age of 13, I looked into my mom's eyes and told her,
"I want to go to the hard places and do the work no one else is willing to do."

Now, one semester away from graduating college, nearly eight years later, this is still the case.

I don't necessarily believe that there are specific places that should be deemed "hard" anymore, but I do know that wherever I go, whatever I do, I want to challenge myself to reach the potential that God has placed within me.

I am full of passion, full of love, and full of desire.
I want to live a life of adventure, a life set apart from expectation.
In less than a year, I will be in another country,
getting the opportunity to live the life I've been called to,
but a life I could never have imagined.

This is my journey. This is my story.

"...fear is not of God. God is love.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.
Jesus Christ is our refuge and our fortress against any and all enemies.
Trust in Him."

"Without risk there is no faith.
Faith is precisely the contradiction between
the infinite passion of the individual's inwardness
and the objective uncertainty." - Soren Kierkegaard

"Counsult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams.
Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential.
Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in,
but with what it is still possible for you to do." - Pope John XXIII

Peace,

Lyds